Being a disciple of Jesus Christ and sex, vocation, dating and marrying, loss of a beloved spouse, and divorce

“Come all you weary

Come all you [who thirst]

Come to the well

The never runs dry

Drink of the water

Come and thirst no more

…Come to the table

He will satisfy

Taste of His goodness

Find what you’re looking for”

– An excerpt from “God So Loved,” a contemporary praise and worship song by We the Kingdom, link at end of article

Some of the greatest sufferings we can experience these days are related to our romantic relationships, when we desire one greatly but aren’t in one, or when our beloved has passed away, or when our marriage has ended in divorce. In this article, I desire to share the never-ending hope that God seeks to give to those who seek a very noble thing: true love with another. I’d also like to share God’s will regarding this very important topic.

The lyric I’ve included at the beginning of this article points to what God desires for all of humanity in general: He wants us to live fully in His love and life, which He guarantees to satisfy us: “…whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst” (Gospel of John chapter 6).

To be disciples, followers, of Christ, requires deep knowledge of God, the Church, our religious practices, and even the history and roots of our Christian religion and humanity in general. It is important that we understand that God created us, but that Adam and Eve’s sin caused deep darkness to enter into humanity and individually in each person. Baptism removes our condemnation, but we keep our tendency to sin and to distrust of God. This darkness in humanity results in a lot of confusion about right and wrong, and so it can be that the typical man and woman feel like things just aren’t right, but aren’t exactly sure what the issue is. The great hope is that God in His infinite goodness and love for His creation, has always sought to redeem us from this darkness, and redeems us once and for all through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ. He also establishes His Kingdom on earth through the Catholic Church, and through his rule, seeks to shepherd all of humanity to heaven and to be full participants of this Eternal Kingdom and banquet.

First, it is very important for us to understand the natural and the supernatural. Man can develop natural, or human, abilities and intellectuals in the church define a few virtues, or good habits, that indicate a very developed “nature:” justice, prudence, fortitude, temperance. In summary, someone who has developed these does not live selfishly, is able to make good decisions, is constant and firm, and is able to lead a balanced life. These are obviously great characteristics and when applied to any task or goal, they help this person succeed. However, Christians also believe in the supernatural, and these same intellectuals define three supernatural, or theological, virtues: faith, hope, and charity (or love), which in summary, through the grace of God, allow man to have a relationship with God and live a life in God (Catechism of the Catholic… 1812). It follows then, that a “godly” life is the natural and supernatural aligned: one where man’s nature and his natural abilities and virtues are oriented toward the supernatural, toward God.

One of the natural capacities we have, and one of the most significant and with greatest consequences, is our sexuality and all involved with it. So, our goal as followers of Christ, is to orient this part of our nature, and as we’ve said, our entire nature, toward God. So, we shouldn’t seek to use our sexuality at the natural level, which is mostly driven by attraction and does not always take into consideration God and the commandments He asks us to make a part of our life, but at the supernatural level: our sexuality is to be used as God designed and wills for us to use it, for a man and woman to give themselves to each other in a sacramental marriage.

Should we only view our sexuality at the natural level and simply follow our attractions and desires, we can break God’s law, which has very serious consequences. The Church defines that sex outside of a sacramental marriage is “grave matter,” meaning that for the most part, it is a “mortal sin,” which leads to the death of soul. The Lord Jesus to St. Faustina reveals what death of soul is: God leaves the soul: “…[I] quickly leave that heart, taking with Me all the gifts and graces I have prepared for the soul. (Diary 1683)” The Lord Jesus also describes a practical consequence in the same diary paragraph: “After some time, inner emptiness and dissatisfaction [result]…” God leaves the soul, and the soul no longer has life, explaining why it is dissatisfied. To St. Bridget of Sweden the Lord reveals what life is like when trying to satisfy your deepest desires with sin: it is like drinking water from a muddy well; those who drink from it thirst and are afflicted more (Revelations of St. Bridget: On the Life… chapter 14). It may not seem so or feel so, but by definition, a sin cannot and will not fill us.

So this opens the door to two things, the availability of good, potential spouses in the church, which I will address in a few paragraphs, and the marriage vocation, but also to vocations in general; vocations are callings from God to which we will dedicate our life. God has a plan for each of us to help to build His supernatural Kingdom; the Lord Jesus founded his Kingdom in His time on earth, but before His Ascension entrusted man with the building of the Kingdom so that it reaches all nations (Gospel of Matthew chapter 28).

Vocations can be like consecrated (meaning dedicated, set apart for) religious life, like priests and nuns and consecrated virgins, marriage, and singlehood, but as a generous single person who dedicates themselves to good works. God calls all men and women to “strive eagerly for the greatest spiritual gifts,” (1 Corinthians chapter 12) with apostle, Christ’s representative on earth as a priest, being the greatest gift, and living and sharing the fruits of a contemplative life with God as consecrated religious woman (nun) or man being the next greatest (Summa…part 2-2 q188), and marriage and singlehood following. Marriage is indeed a noble vocation, as marriage reflects the love that exists between the Most Holy Trinity – it is a reflection on earth of God’s very love, and like the Holy Trinity, it is a love that, should God will it, overflows into the creation of life, children!

So, God’s supernatural plan for sexuality is for it to be used in a sacramental marriage. So, any man and woman who feel called to marry should avoid sex before receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony, and should avoid any dangerous encounters that provide the conditions for sexual intimacy: spending time alone at one another’s house, or staying alone in the same hotel room, and other conditions that lead to this mortal sin, which is why the Church has provided guidance on this and other sins of “grave matter” – we avoid sin by avoiding occasions of sin, situations that lead us to sin, as those I’ve just described. Some will respond to this saying that then a relationship is impossible or its growth will be stunted, but this opinion leads to another important point. Those who seek to marry in this supernatural way, should be committed Catholics, have discerned that God is calling them to marry, and are willing to marry should the correct opportunity present itself; so, the entering into sacramental marriage will not take a significant amount of time.

To be a committed Catholic is to have spent time walking with the Lord as His disciple, meaning to genuinely seek to learn from Him and His church, and because you believe that He is God, you will obey anything He asks, especially what He asks us to observe through the Church and Her leaders. Having faith, believing, that He is God, leads to submitting to what He asks. If we believe, but don’t submit, He asks us in the Gospel of Luke: “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ but not do what I command” (chapter 6)?

If we are starting a relationship with someone who does not have these values, we will be entering a dangerous relationship without the direction God wants from us. For example, if someone is not a committed Catholic, or even Catholic, they likely won’t have this same direction as someone who is, and thus, as the relationship goes on without entering into the Sacrament (and it is not likely to, since one person does not really understand it), intimacy will only increase, leading to an eventual disaster: the committed Catholic will commit mortal sin. Yes, the intentions were good, but the situation quickly becomes very dangerous and can be deadly for the soul.

But what are we to do if we don’t see good, potential spouses in our parishes? It is a very real situation, but one that the catechism mentions is possible (Catechism of the Catholic… 1658). I think of St. Paul’s words, and of never giving up hope in God, who has promised to provide (Gospel of Matthew chapter 6). St. Paul tells us to pray, especially for good desires such as this one to find someone good to marry:

“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Phillipians chapter 4).

Even though this is a difficult situation, we must never doubt that God is good and has our happiness and well-being at the center of His priorities.

For our brothers and sisters who have lost a spouse and have a large capacity to love, of course our heart goes out. God promises that those who mourn will be comforted (Gospel of Matthew chapter 5).

For our divorced brothers and sisters, especially those who didn’t will their divorce, our heart too goes out; God is faithful and will fill us completely. In the Eucharist, the Lord Jesus has left Himself fully so that He, in the form of bread, dissolves into our lives and being and feeds and fills us completely. It is an act of pure love simply because He loves us each individually, me and you, and wants to give us Himself fully and without holding anything back. For those who unjustly refuse to reconcile with a good-willed ex-spouse, it is important to recall God’s plan for marriage and the marriage vows: God does not want for marriages and families to break (except for specific situations, like when families separate because there is not goodwill, like different kinds of abuse like physical violence).

To reiterate the lyric, all are called to “Come to the well that never runs dry…” This well is the life of God in the Catholic Church, a sacramental life, but also one of prayer (like praying for the good of our family, friends, the church, and of the world daily, and also, for example, praying the rosary periodically for these same intentions) and service to God, His people, and the world (as I’ve written about here).

God bless you, your holy and noble desires, and your family and friends abundantly,

Juan

Link to “God So Loved” by We The Kingdom on Youtube

Corrections:

*On 7/25 text was modified in reference to St. Bridget of Sweden: text originally incorrectly mentioned St. Brigid