Love is great, but it can hurt us

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My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, peace, and may God bless us and heal us from every malady for His glory!

Seeking to marry is a wonderful desire and growing intimacy between man and woman a gift of joy straight from God!

Yet, it’s a challenging time to date and, while this gift of love between man and woman is very fulfilling, we should be aware that in the process we can hurt and scar each other and ourselves to a fault; I’d like to share some signs that if they persist, we should get help for in order to heal and equip us to continue with our goal of seeking to marry.

It is indeed a difficult time to date because it’s a difficult time to be Catholic. Besides the fact that the Lord Jesus Himself said that it’s normally difficult, that the road to life is “narrow”, and “those who find it are few” (Gospel of Matthew chapter 7), Americans live in a secularized culture, a culture where the faith isn’t thought of as primary, which makes being Catholic often times seem like you’re swimming against the current.

I also speculate, at least in FL, that because of our slow straying from the faith, and often times because of the culture, we are in a bit of a “famine” of conditions conducive to flourishing vocations, like marriage. At Fatima, Our Lady told the seers, the shepherd children Lucia, Francisco, and Jacinta, that the Lord because of our sins permits “war, hunger, and persecutions…” (De Marchi, 79). God respects our free will, so if we don’t choose fidelity to Him and to each other, He allows us to take ourselves, our virtue, and relationships to a brink, or even destroy them. But in His great mercy, He always helps us to rebuild, but we have to turn to Him and ask for mercy. This fledgling Catholic culture, at least in FL, often times feels like a desert, though praise God, there are signs of revival: many stories of people embracing the faiths of their youth, many people, especially younger people, feeling an inkling to return to Church, and many people talking about God.

When seeking a partner, there are certain things we should be mindful of, since in dating, we can hurt and scar each other, and ourselves. A non-negotiable when dating is looking for someone who desires to serve God; we must understand that because of our fallen humanity, we tend towards selfishness and sin. Only with God’s grace and following the Lord Jesus do we free ourselves from this selfishness through love, willing the good of another even to the point of self-sacrifice. We come out of ourselves, and in living this love, we learn to love our neighbor, and in a marriage, one of our main “neighbors” becomes our spouse. My Archbishop Thomas Wenski sums this idea up beautifully: if we are to mature our love, and become a gift to one another and to the world, something in particular will hold us back: “anybody wrapped up in himself or herself makes himself a very small gift.” When we are too consumed by our desires and ambitions we too much seek what we can get from another versus what we can give, and especially, what we can give as channels of God’s presence, grace, and blessings.

Part of a desire to serve God is moral righteousness, or conformity with God’s will – this too is a must because God’s moral will is like a highway to “life,” to happiness as God intended for us and for our interactions with each other (see Galatians chapter 5, which talks of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, like joy, peace, generosity…), especially our spouses, and with the world. By not following His will, it’s obvious that we can fall into the previously mentioned trap of seeking our selfish desires over all things and each other and hurt others in the process.

Yet, sometimes we do pursue romance without considering these ideas, and we may notice concerning symptoms/changes in our behavior, especially if things ended with them. I write here to encourage those of us that are hurt and scarred to seek help if needed. It’s normal to be hurt, especially after a breakup, but lasting/persisting symptoms should be addressed, and I highly encourage you to talk them over with a trusted and responsible priest, family member, friend, or with a medical professional (but one who shares our Catholic values. I’ve included recommendations below at the end of the article on how to find one). Specific symptoms are like persisting (over many weeks) loss of confidence, shame, marked changes in personality or lifestyle, feeling emotionally overwhelmed, especially if there was infidelity or concerns of infidelity, and loss or lack of motivation or energy to meet commitments or goals. One thing though, is that we shouldn’t dwell so much on our pain that it paralyzes us, but try our best to continue with our commitments and responsibilities. I renew my prayer that God and His Most Blessed Mother have compassion on us and heal us of any malady that we may have gotten after dating, and I share that with our omnipotent God there is always hope for healing, forgiveness, and mercy.

Friends, romantic love is a gift from God that can be very fulfilling, but with the general challenge of being Catholic, and now with a culture that doesn’t place faith in God in it’s rightful, first place, and with, as I speculate, the famine in dating because of our persistent infidelity to God and each other, we can hurt and scar each other and ourselves. We should be wary of certain symptoms we feel in a relationship or after having broken up, that point to a need of healing in order to continue our discipleship journey and our goal of entering the marriage vocation. And let us always remember that God can do all things like heal us and in His compassion and mercy, always desires the best for us.

May God bless us,

Juan B

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